While writing this memoir I have often been listening to music. Music can evoke so many emotions and bring up forgotten memories. There are some songs that I listened to on repeat while going through depression that made me cry harder. They helped me feel as if I wasn’t the only one going through a dark time in my life. I mostly listened to Linkin Park and City and Colour. One of the songs that always got to me was Linkin Park’s No Roads Left.
I knew that in order to write parts of this memoir I would have to delve back into the dark depths of my mind; where it once was easy to think I was better off dead. How could I at least attempt to relive and understand my way of thinking from years ago? By listening to No Roads Left. As I wrote about my thoughts of suicide I played this song on repeat. My eyes immediately watered and a flood of thoughts from my past filled my head. I wrote down these thoughts as quickly as I could, my mind rushing faster than my fingers. After getting all these thoughts down I turned off the song, giving myself a break from the rush of emotions.
Each time I try to edit these areas of the memoir I have to play that song again. It’s the only way for me to get into the right frame of mind. To try to feel what I used to feel, if only for a moment but to a lesser degree.
To leave things on a brighter note, while writing the Epilogue I had an energizing upbeat song on repeat. The beat of Lorde’s Green Light brings out something in me that just screams happiness and freedom. It helped me to write encouraging words that would leave readers with a sense of hopefulness for the future.
PS: Although I’ve written most of the Epilogue, I still haven’t finished writing my first draft. I just choose to write different parts when I feel I’m in the right mood or a memory comes to me. I’ve tried forcing myself to write a couple times but the results when I do that are subpar and they just get deleted. I’m at least 2/3 of the way through my first draft!